


Comfort Zone

by orphan_account



Category: Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:17:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19835875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “How long have we known each other? Over twenty years, right?” you nodded again, “So I think it’s safe to say that nobody knows you like I do. Which means I am one hundred percent sure when I say you’re in love with your work partner,”





	1. Deny

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, let me remind that English isn’t my mother language (I’m french), so I apologize for the possible mistakes, and how it must not be grammatically correct!
> 
> Secondly, I write a lot about panic attacks and anxiety in this series, because it’s been one of my problems for years now and I want to express myself about it! If anyone is going through this and wants to talk about it, I'm open to it!

Exhausted, you finally made it to your apartment after almost four days without coming back, sleeping and showering at the precinct. A particular difficult case kept you, Fin and your partner Sonny working nonstop, since Amanda and Olivia had to come home to take care of their children. “I could have a kid, just to have reason to go back home,” you laughed with Sonny in the middle of the night, beaten up because you could barely see the end of the case. But your partner made it very much easier, he is always there to cheer you up, see the good side of things, and sometimes you can just look in his eyes and feel like you’re looking at the ocean.

You texted your boyfriend to let him know you were finally done with the case, but you told him he didn’t have to wait if he was tired. But two things hit you after you closed the door; the small light coming from the living room and the bags packed in the hall. You took your shoes and coat off and walked straight to where Jeff were. “Night love,” you greeted him, “going somewhere?” you asked before giving him a peck on his lips.

“Yea, at Kyle’s first,” he simply answered. You sat next to him on the couch. Jeff and you had known each other since you were little kids and you always been in love with him ever since.

“Kyle? Is he okay?” you got worried. Kyle is Jeff’s best friend since they are teenagers, so he is kind of your best friend too.

“Yes-yes, he is. It’s just-“ he stopped, searching for his words. No matter how tired you were, seeing your boyfriend like this, woke you up. You ran a hand through his long dark hair, and waited for him to talk. “We need a break, y/n,” he finally spoke. Your heart dropped in your chest. Why? Why does he want to have a break with you? Was he seeing someone else? Doesn’t he love you anymore? Jeff perfectly knows you and he knows your silence means you have one billion questions in your head right now. He softly takes your face in his head to force you to look at him. “I love you, y/n and I don’t have anyone else- but you do,” you were about to interject that he was so wrong but Jeff put his finger on your mouth before any sound came out. “Follow me in this, okay?” you nodded with tears in your eyes, “How long have we known each other? Over twenty years, right?” you nodded again, “So I think it’s safe to say that nobody knows you like I do. Which means I am one hundred percent sure when I say you’re in love with your work partner,”

“NO W-“ you tried to deny but Jeff always been able to anticipate your reactions.

“Shh, my love,” he sadly smiled, “it’s okay, I’m not mad. I know nothing happened with him, and maybe you’re rejecting your feelings, or don’t realize that it’s love but- I do know. I had doubts for a long time now but it hit me when I saw the two of you together. You look at him the way you used to look at me,” you could hear the tears in his voice and it was destroying you from the inside. The worst is that he isn’t wrong, even though you tried to deny it to yourself.

A silence field the air for several heavy seconds. You tried to hold back your tears the best you could by avoiding Jeff’s gaze. You never wanted to hurt him, you actually thought you could grow old with him, marry him, have kids with him. It’s been your plans since you were 6. The wedding was about to arrive, Jeff proposed to you 8 months ago and you happily said yes. Both of your jobs prevent you from focusing on the wedding or maybe you unconsciously tried to delay it, due to how you feel for Sonny? Jeff answered to some of your questions but others directly field their places. You thought your head was about to explode.

“When your father was at the hospital, I promised him to do anything to make you happy. I’m keeping this promise,” he stood up but bend over to kiss your forehead, “but of course, if this guy hurts you, I’ll take care of it. Cop or not, you know I don’t care,” he walked to the kitchen counter and slowly put his keys on it. This was the hardest thing he ever had to do.

“Don’t leave, J, please,” you cried and pleaded him. He came back on his heels to hug you one last time.

“You’re going to be fine, my love. I love you more than anything,”

The following days were horrible. You felt so embarrassed around Sonny and tried to spend less time with him but being partners made it difficult. Coming home at night to an empty apartment made you feel so lonely. You texted and called Jeff every now and then, he gently answered at first but finally asked you to give him some time. You felt worst. After three weeks, you finally accepted the idea that you were definitely in love with Sonny and you started to consider tell him about it. But you kept pulling it off. You could have done it during a ride, or a long night shift, or maybe when you had dinner together, or when he invited to have a drink. The moment you considered it the most was when he showed up at your place, too anxious about his law exams. But instead, you lied and told him he was lucky because Jeff was having a boys night out.

Sometimes you felt like maybe he loves you too but some other times, you simply felt like his little sister. None of this was helping. Two months after Jeff left the apartment, you were still pretending everything was doing good in your personal life.

The first person to notice something was off with you, were the least expected one. You were waiting for him in his office, to speak about a case. The door was opened and Rafael Barba saw you sadly focusing on your engagement ring. He only brought the subject after talking about the case. “Are you okay, detective?” he sincerely asked while you were about to leave his office.

You turned around to look at the ADA, “Yea, of course. Why?”

“Something’s different about you. You used to be the most smiling detective and now- you look more closed than your ADA,”

“More than him? Come on, he puts the level really high,” you tried to turn this serious conversation into a casual one.

“Less than before, actually. I heard that stupid SVU squad kinda changed him,” he confessed, “but- we are not talking about that great guy,” he smirked, “if you need to talk, you know where to find me, Y/L/N,”

“I just have to follow the smell of coffee or scotch,” you said before leaving his office.

If Rafael noticed it, the others must have too. But that night after work, instead of going to your dark and empty apartment, you drove to Rafael’s office. Every other office were closed, every one were gone, except this special lawyer. As if he knew you were coming, Rafael set a glass of scotch on his coffee table. You didn’t say anything at first, just sat on the couch and drunk the liquor. “That was for my boss,” he joked but the look on your face made him laugh. He moved from his desk and sat next to you with his own glass, “Tell me,”

“Jeff broke up with me- Two months ago,”

“Sorry to hear that,” he sincerely said, “why?”

“Because that man can read me like an open book, and he- he noticed something,”

“That you had an affair with Carisi?” you turned to face Rafael, shocked. “Oh come on, it’s obvious-“

“Nothing ever happened between me and Sonny!” you defended yourself, “I could never cheat on Jeff,”

“If you say so. What is that thing then?” you sighed and took a moment before telling him the truth.

“Nothing happened but yeah, I’m in love with this stupid Italian,” you finally confessed. Saying it out loud for the first time made your heart beat faster.

“Good, Liv owns me 20 bucks,” he smiled at your angry face, “did you tell him? Because that’s all he was waiting for,”

“No way-“

“Y/N, how can you be that confident in the interrogation room or with gun but be so scared when it comes to men?”

No one at SVU knew the entire story between you and Jeff, so you decided to explain everything to Rafael. Jeff is the only man you ever been with, the only one you kissed and had sex with, the only one you dated. You never had to confess your feelings for him because things were meant to happen. You were 6 when you met and he was 7, your parents were friends. It’s like you’ve always known and love each other. He knows everything about you, your greatest qualities and your most shameful defaults but loves you anyway. You were scared to start all over again, and enter into the dating life. What if Sonny doesn’t like you outside work?

“Life starts when you got out off your comfort zone,” Rafael said, trying to be wise.

“Says the man that hasn’t date in years?” you laughed.

“Exactly, do you want to be like me at 47?”

Maybe Rafael wasn’t wrong.

*

Everyone was surrounding Sonny, as he was waiting for his results. Your partner looked so nervous, biting his nails, and moving uncontrollably his legs. You were standing right behind him and Rafael was next to you, smiling at how you were embarrassed. He gently took your hands and put them on Sonny’s shoulders. Your partner raised his head to look at you and smiled, he turned his attention back to his laptop and held one of your hands, until the results appeared. “I passed!” Sonny exclaimed. Amanda was the first to hug him since she was on the left, then Liv, then Fin fist bumped him and Rafael shook his hand. He faced you but took a moment before hugging you. It wasn’t a friendly hug, it was way more intense. “I’m so proud of you,” you whispered in his ear.

“I wouldn’t have done it without you,” he whispered back before kissing your cheek.

He let you go and some officers came to congratulate him too. Once Sonny was finally free, Amanda offered to have a drink after work to celebrate the new lawyer.

“Sorry guys, but I promised my girlfriend we’ll have a dinner celebration,” he smiled. He seemed so happy while you felt your heart falling apart. Rafael immediately looked at you and got closer when he saw you getting weak. He wrapped his arm around your waist to held you steady.

“You lucky man,” Fin laughed.

“And yet you don’t know what she promised me,” he winked at his coworker, you almost fainted from the pain in your chest. “Need some air,” you whispered to Rafael. He was the only one that could understand. While the ADA took you out after pretending, he needed a ride back to his office, you heard Amanda joking about how the Catholic boy changed. Once you were in the elevator, you cried in Rafael’s chest.

“I lost Jeff for this,” you angrily whispered to yourself.

To help you forgetting that Sonny had a girlfriend, Rafael invited you to his place to have a drink, dinner and watch some terrible movies. You accepted but it didn’t help that much. Rafael tried to controlled your drinking but at midnight, you drunkenly fell asleep on his couch. He decided to carry you to his bed, he took off your socks and your blazer to make as comfortable as possible, and he slept on his couch.

*

The following weeks, the loneliness was driving you crazy. You tried to contact Jeff without answers, you showed up one night at Kyle’s, and you learnt that Jeff was in Europe for his work and he wasn’t coming back soon. You never been alone like this before. You felt abandoned once again and that was your biggest fear since you’re twelve, when your mother left you and your dad without any goodbye. She just left with someone else and you never heard of her since then.

It’s been 6 years since it didn’t happen. 6 years since you had your last panic attack. All of those struggles and fears were coming back. You felt alone, abandoned and helpless. You wanted to call Jeff, only him knows how to help you during a panic attack. But he wasn’t there. Sonny wasn’t either. He was having great times with his girlfriend. You felt bad to bother him but you decided to call Rafael.

“y/n?” he answered after the second ring.

“Rafael, am I bothering you?” you asked, heavily breathing.

“Never, are you okay? I can hear you suffocated,” he got worried even more when he heard you sniffled.

“I’m fine-can you- can you just talk to me, please?”

“Y/N, tell me where you are, I’m on my way,”

He did as he said, Rafael arrived shortly after you called. He saw you sitting on a bench, in the middle of a park, knees up and head buried in them. He ran to you and wrapped you in his arms. He felt you shaking against him, he heard you crying. He had no idea what to do at this very moment, comforting people isn’t one of his talents.

“Do you want me to call someone? Take you somewhere?” he asked.

“Can you just keep holding me, please?”

You seemed so helpless; it broke his heart.


	2. You don't know me

Once again that night, you slept at Rafael’s. He gently offered his bed but you felt bad about him sleeping on his couch once more so you told him you don’t mind him sleeping next to you. But the two of you were uncomfortable in bed, both on your back, staring at the ceiling and no one dare to move. The only thing you could here was his breath. “Thank you for everything, Rafael,” you whispered, in case he was sleeping. “We barely know each other but you are here for me while no one else is,” tears field your eyes. The truth was hard to accept. You used to have friends when you were with Jeff. At least, you thought they were friends but none of them called or texted to ask how you were doing.

“You are someone I appreciate, y/n, and that’s what friends are for,” he answered.

“That’s the thing! Are we friends? I mean, we were just co-workers before-”

“Like I said, you and your squad changed me. You opened my heart, while I worked so hard to close it years ago. So yeah, if you want me to be your friend, I happily am,” you stayed silent for a moment. It felt good to know Rafael is your friend. And he already proved you could count on him, day or night.

“So my friend won’t mind to hold me?” you shyly asked and you heard him chuckle.

“Come over here,” he opened his arms, and you rested your head on his chest. He kissed your hair and put his hand on your shoulder, he didn’t want to touch you lower, in case you would feel embarrassed. “Try to get some rest, y/n,”

When you opened your eyes, it was still dark outside. You could hear Rafael slightly snoring above your head. You stayed there for a while, considering what to do. Leaving? Staying? Trying to fall back to sleep? You hated when you asked yourself too many questions, instead of appreciate the moment. It was a good thing at work but it ruined your personal life. You managed to controlled it with Jeff but the complicated, lost, anxious and scared young lady was coming back very quickly. It’s been a few weeks since you considered taking your meds again. But you remembered the struggle it was to stop taking them. Plus, it was totally incompatible with being a detective.

You finally decided to surprise and thank Rafael with a really nice breakfast. It’s been a long time since you didn’t have a typical french breakfast. You looked on your phone for the nearest french bakery. It actually was almost half an hour from Rafael’s place but you didn’t care since it was only 5am. You brought a baguette (french bread), croissants, pain au chocolat (basically croissants with chocolat in it), some raspberry jam and coffee. You got back to the apartment, hoping that Rafael was still asleep but you saw the light in his bedroom. “Y/n?” You heard his sleepy voice. You walked to the bedroom, where he was still under the covers, slowly waking up. “Morning Rafael,” you smiled.

“Morning,” he mumbled, “where were you?”

“You’ll see, but until I say you can, you are forbidden to step outside this room,” you smiled and he chuckled.

“You know that’s my apartment,”

“Yea but you don’t want to get the best detective you’ve known mad, do you?”

Rafael stayed in his bed until you allowed him to come out of it. A large smile crossed his face when he saw all the food on the table and the smell from it was just intoxicating. He didn’t controlled himself when he came close to you, hug you and kissed your temple, “You’re the best,” he said. You are breakfast silently. It would have been much easier if you were in love with Rafael, or just still in love with Jeff but you hated yourself for only wanting Sonny.

Everything was okay until you prepared coffee to go for you and Rafael. The lack of sleep and thinking of Sonny made you split the brown liquid all over your shirt. “Damnnit! What a dumbass y/n,” you yelled at yourself. Rafael rushed at you and saw the disaster in his kitchen. He wanted to help you clean but you refused. He went to his bedroom and came back to the kitchen with one of his shirt. A pale pink. You wanted to refuse but the look on his face didn’t let you the choice.

It was big for you but you tucked it in your black jeans. “You look great, don’t worry,”

You drove him at his office and went to work. Everyone noticed it wasn’t your shirt but they all guessed it was Jeff’s. Except for Sonny. He shadowed Rafael for long enough to recognize that shirt. He got it weeks ago that you were closer to the ADA and your partner didn’t appreciate it. But who was he to tell you something? You still had your engagement ring. Were you having an affair? He couldn’t believe it. You told him once how faithful was important to you, you truly believed in it. You couldn’t have break one of your principles for the lawyer. But doubts drove him crazy since you entered the precinct. You look like you didn’t have much sleep last night. And you were awfully quiet.

Bored and full of questions, Sonny decided to bother you. At first it was just making faces at you but it didn’t work. Then he played with his pen and changed the ink. Sonny threatened to shoot you with the ink. He didn’t mean to but when he pressed, the ink split at your chest. The shirt. “Are you fucking serious, Carisi?” You yelled and rushed to the ladies room. Amanda gave Sonny an accusing look and he decided to follow. He knocked but came in before you told him to enter. You were in just your bra, trying to wash the Rafael’s shirt with soap and cold water. You turned to see who came in and Sonny just stood there, literally frozen in place as he stares your chest or maybe your “underboob” tattoo. “What do you think- about turning around, Carisi?” You said and he came back to reality. He did turn his back at you and you continued to wash the shirt. The blue ink’s stain just kept getting bigger and it was making you madder at yourself and your partner. Sonny could hear you swearing at yourself, he took a little look over his shoulder to see you desperately attempting to clean it. “I’m sorry y/n, I’ll take it to the dry cleaner,” he apologized.

“It’s not mine, Carisi. I have to give it back tonight,” you almost cried. You were desperately crying over a little - and not so bad - thing. What was wrong with you?

“Ya, to Barba,” he bitterly said. He knew it. You sarcastically laughed between your cries.

“Yes, that’s his. And it probably costs more than my rent and yours, reunited,”

“Don’t worry, he won’t be mad at his precious detective,”

His back was still turn at you but you turned the water off and moved to look at your partner. “A problem, Dominick?” You asked, wiping your tears.

“You changed, y/n. You are really close to Barba and now you’re wearing one of his shirts. Did you spend the night with him?” He had to ask. He needed to know. But you couldn’t see the look on his face. You let the shirt in the sink and put your blazer on, just enough to cover your torso. You walked in front of Sonny to look at him in the eyes.

“What if?” You simply said. He didn’t answer, just took your hand in his and showing off your ring.

“I can’t believe you cheated on Jeff. That’s not you. That’s not my partner. Unless you aren’t the person you used to be,” you stayed silent for a moment, considering to tell the truth. But it was too easy, and he has a girlfriend anyway. What would be the point to tell him you’re in love with him? That Rafael is the only one that knows? That all of your mental issues from the past were coming back? Why would you?

“You don’t know me, Carisi.”

You grabbed Rafael’s shirt and left Sonny alone in the ladies room. You rushed to your locker and luckily one of your NYPD shirt you use to workout was there and clean. You put in on. In the squadroom, Sonny looked miserable but it’s better this way, isn’t it? He is with someone and seems happy with her, why would you ruin that? But why would he care if you were dating Rafael? You felt your chest compressing, and you started to suffocate. You left the precinct before anyone noticed your panic attack. You drove to the only place you would be able to calm down.

Carmen let you in but informed you that Barba was in a mood. You knocked and heard him, “Carmen, I said no interruptions,” he didn’t raise his head to see who it was. But the silence distracted him. He didn’t see anyone at first until he heard you heavily breathing, sitting on the floor against one of his books shelf. He put his pen down and stood up. As he came closer to you, he noticed you were nervously scratching his shirt. Your eyes were fixing an invisible point. He quickly went to Carmen and asked her for a big glass of cold water. Rafael sat next to you and brought you against his chest. “I’m here, y/n. You’re not alone,” he whispered. He understood that’s what you needed. Someone to lean on. Someone to be here for you. Someone to love you. Just someone.

“I’m sorry,” you cried. Carmen came in with the water, she gently asked if you needed something else, but Rafael said it’s okay. He watched you drink the full glass. After many panic attacks when you were younger, you realized drinking cold water was helping to go through it.

Rafael patiently waited next to you until you were finally calmed. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked, his arm still around your shoulders.

“I ruined your shirt, I’m sorry,” you answered.

“Please, tell me you didn’t panic because of it?”

“No, no. It’s not- about that,” you reassured him.

You decided to tell Rafael about your conversation with Sonny. For the ADA, it obviously was jealousy but you were not buying it. You stayed in his office for a while until Sonny called to tell you, you have a job to do. Outside of the courthouse, your partner was standing against your car, waiting for you. “You didn’t have to come all over here, I said I was on my way,”

“You’re lucky I didn’t say Liv you were with your boyfriend when she asked where you were,”

His ton was driving you crazy. Is this jealousy?

“I didn’t ask you to cover me, Sonny,” he shook his head in disbelief. What was happening to his partner and best friend?

“Great, next time I won’t,”

No matter what how tense it was between the two of you, Sonny still opened to door of the car for you, just like always. The ride to arrest a suspect was long and silent. Both of your phones buzzed. You concluded it was his girlfriend, and Sonny concluded it was Rafael. The rest of the day was heavy. You and Sonny barely talked to each other, you spent your time with Fin, while Sonny was with Amanda. By the end of the day, a decision was made. You entered into Liv’s office before she left to see her boy.

“Liv, I want to change my partner,”


	3. Chapter 3

Liv asked why you wanted to change partners. Obviously, you couldn’t tell her how you feel about Sonny and how things were getting really complicated between the two of you. “Carisi is almost as new as I am, I think I could learn much more with Fin. No offense to my partner, he is great,”

Your boss probably pretended to buy your excuse but she agreed anyway. She noticed how you changed for the past two months, you looked sad and always exhausted. “Do you need vacations, y/n?” She gently asked. You already thought about it before but you came to the conclusion it would make things worst.

“No, I’m fine Liv,” you lied. She told you to leave for the night and that she would make the changes tomorrow. Before going back to your desk, you stopped by your locker to take your training clothes. You quickly waved the team goodbye and left for the gym.

“What is wrong with her, lately?” Amanda asked to her co-workers but mainly Carisi. He had to be the one that knows more about it.

“You should ask Barba,” Sonny simply answered, nervously typing on his keyboard. Amanda gave a questioning look to Fin but the older detective just raised his shoulder.

“Do we miss something?”

It was like Sonny didn’t hear Amanda’s last question. He turned off his laptop and left the precinct. His girlfriend has been texted him all day to remind him about their meeting with her best friends. He definitely didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to meet her friends. Mandy is a very nice girl and she likes Sonny very much, but he isn’t in love with her. He likes her, of course. Even though he doesn’t want to admit it, he hoped he could forget you in her arms. But there’s not a single second where he doesn’t think about you. When she kissed him, he wonders what your lips would taste like. When she hugged him, he only thinks about your hugs. He can smell you through her. He hears your voice when she talks.

But you have Jeff. At least, you had him. You already told Sonny you were dating Jeff forever. He could never forget the time you told that Jeff is your one and only. He always dreamt about that kind of love. Love that was meant to be. When he started to feel something for you, he hated himself. He is Catholic, faithful is important to him too. He promised himself he would never go after someone already taken. And he didn’t. He managed to go over his feelings for you until two months ago when you changed. And it seems clear to him that you have - or had - an affair with Barba. A part of him feels disappointing in you. He believed you when you said you could never cheat on Jeff or anyone else.

“Sonny, baby!” Mandy greeted him with a kiss. She introduced him to her two best friends, Sonja and Jenna. He ordered a scotch, he needed something strong to go through this night. He barely talked. He wasn’t really there but thankfully the girls didn’t seem to notice. After his third glass of scotch and thinking about Barba before every sip, “I’m drinking this because of that idiot,” he repeated to himself, Mandy forced to come on the dancefloor. He reluctantly agreed, after she complained. He was uncomfortable. This is not where he should be. They are not the people he should be with.

Sonny excused himself to Mandy and walked to the bathroom. But a laugh stopped him in his course. That laugh, _your_ laugh. He is dying to hear it since two months and he hears it now. In the middle of a bar. Thanks to his size, he looked around to see where you were. Somehow, he hoped you were not there with Rafael but with a friend or even Jeff. He fell hard when he saw Rafael tugging your hair behind your ear, with a flirty look on his face. Rafael was the first to see him. He smiled. That asshole smiled. Sonny felt jealousy burning inside of him. When his blue eyes met yours, his face dropped in disbelief. You were about to stand up and say something but Mandy, obviously drunk, arrived and hugged Sonny from behind. The only thing you saw was her hands on his chest and how he softly took them in his own hands. He ignored you and turned around to face his girlfriend.

“Wanna go or wanna play?” Rafael whispered in your ear.

“Love is not a game to me. I’m going to take off, if you don’t mind,” you put your leather coat on and stood up to leave. Rafael told you to wait outside while he paid the bill. You didn’t take one last look at Sonny and his girl, you just rushed out of the bar. You waited for Rafael for what seems like forever. Of course, the ADA couldn’t let things like this. He appreciated you the moment you joined SVU, while he took him almost two years to tolerate the Fordham Law student. The squad started to feel like family to him. At some points, he hated it but it also felt good to have friends.

“Detective,” he greeted Sonny with a smirk like only Rafael had. The detective rolled his eyes while Mandy decided to speak.

“Hi! I’m Mandy, Sonny’s girlfriend,” she offered her hand to Rafael and he shook it.

“Nice to meet you, Mandy,” he smiled, “Do you mind if I steal your man for a second?”

She seemed to think for a moment, “How about you join us? My friends are waiting for Sonny and I. They are going to think to lock ourselves in the bathroom,” she laughed and winked at Sonny.

“Lovely,” Rafael sighed, “Not to be annoying but it’s important,” he looked at Sonny right in his eyes, only him could make Mandy go.

“I’m sure it can wait,” Sonny said.

“Okay, fine. Just so you know, Carisi, your partner and you really need to talk about a case. I mean, talking can avoid misunderstandings. It would be a disaster to lose _that_ case over a mistrial,”

Rafael joined you, hoping that his message was clear enough for Sonny. Once you found yourself alone in your apartment, you took a shower and you realized your hands inflated since your training session earlier. You really strive on the punching bag, giving up all your frustrations. You looked at your engagement ring and tried to take it off but it was stuck on your finger. You were thinking about taking it off and gave it back to Jeff for weeks now. But it seems like it would definitely marked the end of your relationship with him. Plus, people would notice and start questioning about. You were not ready to answer those questions. You wanted and needed more time to avoid the reality.

 **[From Rafael]** : If you need anything, call me. Buenas noches, guapa.

 **[To Rafael] :** I can’t thank you enough for everything, Rafa. I’m lucky to have you, good night.

 **[From Rafael]** : I wanna go to Cuba this winter. It’s just an idea.

 **[To Rafael]** : Haha, okay. When I’ll be the boss, I’ll take you to Havana.

 **[From Rafael]** : Already counting days. :)

You smiled at his cuteness, trying to use the smiley face. You confessed Rafael what your ultimate goal was; being a Captain and running your own precinct. Of course it was a long and complicated road, but you promised it to your dad. That was his dream. But instead and due to your mother’s wants, he became the CEO of sells firm. He hated it. He hated to wear a suit everyday, to make difficult decisions, to ruin someone’s life if he had to fire them. “No matter what Jeff or anyone else wants you to do, just don’t listen to them. Follow your heart and your dreams. Not someone else’s.” he told you multiple times. And you did. At first, you wanted to join the Navy but due to medical issues you had when you were a kid, you couldn’t. So, you entered the police academy. And here you were. SVU Detective. For now.

Wrapped under a blanket, watching Friends all over again for the billion times, you got distracted by someone knocking at your door. The first person you thought about was Jeff. But the man that was behind the door was a bit taller, with shorter hair and thinner. “Can I come in?” Sonny softly asked. He looked exhausted and a bit drunk. He nearly tripped one of your shoes but you caught him. You helped him to sit on your couch and went to the kitchen to get some water. “Will you ever stop watching this?” he sighed.

“When I’ll be dead,”

“ _How I Met Your Mother_ is much better,” he provoked.

“Yeah? _Star Trek_ sucks,” you provoked back, and he looked offended.

“Spock will hunt you down forever,” he warned you, mimicked Spock’s ears and you laughed. You missed him so bad. You missed your partner, your friend.

“Why are you here, Sonny?” you asked after a silence.

“Rafael said we needed to talk so let’s talk,” his eyes finally met yours for the first time he got into your apartment, “Jeff doesn’t live here anymore, does he?”

You sighed and looked at one of the walls to avoid his gaze, “He- left two months ago,”

“Why?” you looked at Sonny and chuckled. Was it the time where you tell how you feel?

“Because he is a very wise man,” you only answered.

“Or because you slept with Barba maybe? I mean- I’d break up with my fiancée too for this reason,” “Rafael Barba. How offensive is that?” He acted like he was disgusted. This time, you couldn’t help but laugh. Sonny really thinks you have an affair with Rafael. “This is not funny, y/n!” he raised his voice, “You told me how you couldn’t stand people that cheats on their lover. You told me you believed in faithful and I believed you,”

“Oh my God, Sonny.” It was your turn to raise your voice, “I did not cheat on you as far as I know,”

“Kind of,” his mouth spoke too fast.

Sonny has never been able to keep his mouth shut, which put him in embarrassing or dangerous situation, multiple times. And a-little-drunk Sonny was worst. He realized what he said but it was too late, you heard it. You sarcastically laughed at what he said. He seems so serious. Why was he feeling like this?

“I didn’t know we were dating,” you said, “Were we having a menage a trois with Jeff?” Sonny stayed silent. He had no idea how to explain this. One thing was sure, you did not deny having sex with Barba. He felt sick. Literally. Everything happened really fast; you saw your partner bring his hand to his mouth and disappeared in one second. You followed him to the bathroom where you heard him throwing up in the toilets. But he took the time to lock the door. You softly knocked and asked him to let you in. After a long moment, the door finally opened. Sonny was barely standing on his long legs, and he looked miserable, “do you have a extra toothbrush?” He whispered, his head against the door frame. You got in, took a new toothbrush and put some toothpaste in it. Sonny was nearly falling asleep brushing his teeth.

“How many drinks did you have, Sonny?”

“I stopped counting after you left with Barba, but I had three before that,” you shook your head. Sonny drinks a little but since you know him, you never saw drunk until tonight.

“Jeff must have left some clothes, wash your mouth and come get change,”

Of course, you helped him undressed. His chest was more muscular than it seemed to under his suits. His skin felt so soft under your fingers, but his smell wasn’t the same. His cologne was probably mixed with his girlfriend’s. The poor thing was exhausted, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, as you tried to dress him with an old tee shirt, but his face hit your chest and you heard him heavily breathing. You gave up on dressing him, you simply lay him under the covers in just his boxers.

How were you supposed to fall asleep with the man you love almost naked in your bed?


	4. Chapter 4

At 4am, you were still wide awake on the couch. You considered sleeping next to Sonny - or maybe just watching him sleeping but by the time you went to the bathroom and came back to the bedroom, he was extended on the bed like a sea star. The man really has long arms and long legs. You took the sight of him, asleep here, on your bed. You could have stayed there for hours. But you had to sleep, or at least try.

Sonny woke up before you did and he felt awful. His head was hurting and his mouth felt so dry. He entered the living room and saw you sleeping on the couch that you converted into a bed. It was his turn to take a sight of you. You look even more beautiful when you were peacefully sleeping. He quickly took a big glass of water and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at you, your face, your hair, your lips, your neck, your shoulder, your back… no one ever made him feel this way. He realized that what he felt for his exes wasn’t true love. You are true love. 

He thought he saw you shivering, so he pulled up the covers to your neck. Your body reacted and searched for his. You curled your hair on his abs and put your arm around his waist. Sonny leaned into your touch and laid down next to you, slowly. He didn’t fall back to sleep, he simply enjoyed every second of this moment. It could be over the moment you open your eyes.

Few hours later, you woke up to the sensation of a soft skin against yours. For a quick second, you wondered who joined the other, but you were still on the couch. He joined you. Laid next to you. Watched you sleep? “Morning,” you heard from above your head. You looked up to meet his ocean blue eyes, smile and messy hair. He looked even more beautiful. You planted a small kiss on his cheek and sat up.

“I’m sorry I joined you, I-” you seemed unhappy to wake up next to him, maybe he shouldn’t have listen his instincts.

“Shh, Sonny. I’m not a morning person,” you reminded him. He knows you don’t like to talk before your first coffee.

“Let me prepared you a coffee,” he offered and went to the kitchen. You watched him walking around in your apartment only in his boxers. You had to restrain yourself from jumping out of the bed into his arms and kiss him like you never kissed anyone before. Or at least, Jeff. 

The two of you silently drank your coffee. Once you were done, your mood literally changed. You smiled for the first time today and put some rock music. You started to clean a bit th living area, dancing and singing around. Sonny followed your good mood and helped you, before offering his hand to have a dance together. _“Should I stay or should I go”_ field the apartment, and Sonny was trying to have a seductive dance. You laughed from the surprise but it made him sexier and irresistible. 

**Should I stay or should I go now?**

**If I go, there will be trouble**

**And If I stay it will be double**

**So come on and let me know**

He sang with his Staten Island accent, while looking deep in your eyes. You got closer to him and wrapped your arms around his neck. “You should stay,” you said. Your heart was pounding in your chest, you could feel it in your temples. Sonny’s face light up at your words. His hands got in the small of your back and he put his forehead against yours. Your phone randomly played _“Shy”_ from Sonata Arctica. Both of you kept slow dancing. Sonny never heard this song before, but it feels like he knows it from hearing you singing it a lot. 

**Obsessed by you, your looks, well, anyway I would any day die for you,**

**I write on paper & erased away**

**Still I sit in diner Citylite, drinking coffee and reading lies**

**Turn my head and I can see you, could that really be you**

**Sometimes I’m wondering why you look at me and you blink your eye**

**You can’t be acting like my Dana ?**

**I see your beautiful smile and I would like to run away from**

**Reflections of me in your eyes, oh please**

**Talk to me, show some pity**

**You touch me in many, many ways**

**But I’m shy can’t you see**

“Was it a call when you sang this around me?” he smiled. This song appeared to be full of sense right now. You returned his smile and stayed silent. Sonny decided to follow his instincts and bend his head so his lips met yours. It was finally happening. Sonny was kissing you. You can’t remember how many times you thought about it but nothing can compared to the reality. His lips are softer than his skin, his tongue tastes like coffee. You could kiss him for the rest of your life.

The kiss quickly became intense and passionate. Sonny held your body against his as much as it was physically possible. You got lost into his kisses and touches for a while, until you felt nervous about all of this. You obviously wanted to have sex with Sonny but you only have been with one man until then. You and Jeff tried a few stuff in the past but it always stayed pretty simple. Sonny will be disappoint. He had exes. Not a lot from what he told you but more than one. What if sex is miserable between the two of you? He probably will never come back to you. 

Reluctantly, you pulled away from him. You thought he would be mad or frustrated but he smiled at you and gently hugged you. “How nervous are you?” he whispered in your ear.

“Stop reading me like a open book, I hate it,” you sighed and Sonny laughed. 

“It’s all your fault, you’re so real and honest,” he paused, “how about we have a proper date? Tonight? And I don’t want you to feel like you have to do something you don’t want, okay?” 

You thought for a second, “Dominick, are you single to ask me out?” you teased. 

“That’s going to be my shortest period as a single man,” 

*

After choosing the time and place for your date, Sonny did what he had to in the afternoon and you paid a visit to Rafael. On a saturday afternoon, you surprised the famous ADA in his sweatpants and old harvard shit. His hair was messy and you could tell he hadn’t shave yet. “Rough night?” you laughed when he opened his door. You let yourself in and offered one of the iced coffee and donut you brought. Your good mood disappeared when you saw how sad he seemed. “Rafa, are you okay?” you asked, worried. 

A single tear rolled over his cheek but Rafael quickly dried it with the back of his hand. “ _Mi abuela_ -” he tried to say but his voice broke and you could tell he was fighting against more tears. You didn’t have to a detective to understand. You closed the gap between the two of you and hugged your friend. “I’m so sorry, Rafa,” you whispered. 

“It’s- my fault,” you heard him say and you pulled him away to look at his face. 

“Why are you saying this?” you asked, “It’s not,”

“I wanted her to leave her apartment- even though she made it clear she didn’t want to- but I’m a stubborn dumbass,” 

Spending weeks with Rafael made you understand who he was inside and what he was trying so hard to hide. You knew trying to convince him otherwise was pointless. “Rafael Barba, if you don’t stop thinking that way, I’m going to tell your _mam_ i,” a sad smile crossed his face. 

You spent the rest of the day with Rafael. He told you didn’t have to but it was obvious he shouldn’t be alone. You listened to his thoughts, dried his tears and hugged him when he needed too. But you also said dumb things, made jokes and talked about anything to changed his mind from time to time. 

Around 6pm, Lucia Barba showed up to her son’s apartment. She explained to him everything about Catalina’s funeral. Lucia seemed to handle this better than her son but you knew the two of you were suffering. It has been just the three of them for years now and one is gone. That leaves just Rafael and his mother. When you offered to make them dinner, you totally forgot about your date with Sonny. Lucia was in the living room, and Rafael was helping you in the kitchen. “Thank you for everything,” he kissed your cheek.

“Not long ago, someone told me, _that’s what friends are here for_ ,” you softly smiled. 

“By the way, how are things with your _partner_?” he asked. 

“DAMN!” you exclaimed, “Sonny!” panicked, you searched for your phone all round the kitchen.

“Y/N, back pocket,” Rafael reminded you. You were supposed to meet Sonny ten minutes ago. He hadn’t texted or called yet. Maybe he was late too? You were typing a text to him when he called. 

“Sonny!” you answered.

“Y/N!” he returned with the same ton.

“Are you already at the restaurant?” you asked.

“Yes, the waitress just brought me my beer. Where are you?”

“At Rafa’s- Something happened, um- I-” you heard him sarcastically laugh over the phone.

“I leave you for an afternoon and you run to him, huh?” 

“Sonny, it’s not-” 

“Nevermind,” he cut you off, “Have a fun night with _Rafa_ ,” he hang up. 

You froze where you were, blankly staring at your phone. “Is it my fault? Do I need to interfere again?” Rafael asked, concerned. 

“No, no- that’s a stupid jealous reaction. Anyway, your mum is waiting for us,” you took the plates and brought them to the table where Lucia was already sitting. 

The beginning of dinner was quiet and actually, no one was hungry. Rafael and Lucia were sad and you felt anxious. You had to tell Sonny why you stayed with Rafa all day long.

 **[To Sonny] :** Rafa’s grandmother passed away. I’m with him and his mother. Can I come over when I’m leaving his place?

Sonny never answered that night, and you stayed at Rafael’s. 


End file.
